Smarter Chicken Recipe

Smarter Chicken Recipe

Any meathead worth his weight in protein knows that chicken is one of the best foods for gaining muscle or losing fat. Cheap, easy to cook and packed full of protein. Sadly, most people are lacking in creativity when it comes to preparing it.

  1. Throw chicken breasts on Foreman Grill
  2. Cook the shit out of it
  3. Put in individual bags or tupperware, toss in fridge
  4. Carry those little bastards around with you and eat them every 2-3 hours (wrong, by the way)
  5. Drink a gallon of water for each chicken breast because it’s so damn dry

Luckily for you there is a better tasting and easier way to cook mass amounts of dead birdies so you can eat anytime and anywhere you want. I seriously wish I knew about this in college because it’s so damn quick and it tastes delicious.

First, you need a crock pot. If you don’t already have one go here or head to the nearest Target. It doesn’t have to be massive but it needs to be big enough for 10-12 chicken breasts. I have a 2 quart one with a simple dial that puts it on “High”, “Low” and “Warm”. Once you have this you’ll be happy, trust me, because you’ll be able to make so much abso-fucking-lutely delicious food as you dick around doing other things with your life. That’s called a win-win folks.

So Easy That a Mildy Incompetent Meathead Can Do It

Hokay…you have the crock pot, next you need the chicken. You can go with as little or as much as you think you need and/or want.

Crock pot…chicken. Chicken…crock pot. You two get along now…

Next you’re going to need to add water or chicken broth. I chose water because I’m lazy and didn’t feeling like going back to the grocery store to get the broth. It turned out fantastic, but I still plan on experimenting with broth. So in it’s place I dumped some red pepper flakes in with it hoping it’d add a hint of flavor to the meat.

It didn’t. Oh well.

Toss the chicken in the crock pot

Add water or broth. Spices optional.

So…now you have it all prepped. Which, mind you, took all of 3 minutes to do. Now you crank it to 11 (or high), cover it and let it cook for 4 hours.


Here’s a list of things you can do while you’re cooking but not actually cooking because the crock pot is like a helicopter parent who does everything for you…

  1. Write
  2. Lift heavy weights
  3. Make sexy time with yourself or partner(s)
  4. Go sprinting
  5. Stretch or do Yoga
  6. Read a book and get edumicated

OK…back to recipe…

You can go low and slow if you want, but I haven’t tested that method out yet to compare it against high and fast. After 4 hours it will look like this…


Not the most appetizing, but you’re not eating it straight from here anyways so chill out. Using the top of the crock pot to hold back the precious dead animal flesh, pour out the liquid.

Next step is to get the containers you’re putting it in nearby and ready to be filled. Using TWO FORKS, not one, scoop one piece of chicken at a time like you how they always toss salads in the movies. If you just stab at it with a single fork a) it wont stay on the fork and b) you’ll lose precious bits of meat and have to pick them out by hand. It’s just easier to use two forks.

The chicken should literally just pull apart. To make this part even easier you need to find out which direction the muscle fibers in the breast are going. Once you find that just pull perpendicular to them and the breast will just fall apart.

Seriously wish I thought about this in college.

Store what ever extra you have in some tupperware and have some awesomely incredible food ready and waiting for you whenever you get the urge to go to town on some meat (mind out of the gutter…perverts.)

To re-heat it just toss about a tablespoon of water in the container, put the lid back on but with a little vent for any steam to escape and microwave it for a minute or so. After that toss on your topping of choice or put it straight onto a crap load of spinach and you have a healthy and easy meal.

Even meatheads can make meals the look and taste gourmet.

Watch out Emeril, I’m gunning for you…BAM!