Holler at Your Swole Patrol
Not getting the gains you were hoping for? Girlfriend leave you for a vegan? Dog eat your Pre-workout? No sweat broham, the Swole Patrol is here to lend an ear and get you back in the gym ASAP.
Stuck on a plateau even Captain America couldn’t bust through? Our team of exercise scientists have studied more fitness methods than the average TikTokker. From juice cleanses to Jiu Jitsu, we’ve probably tried (and debunked) it. Hop in the DMs or give one of the bros a call to get you right.
I feel you brahj, the whole dollar per month thing can be confusing. Shoot us an email or just swing by the swole dungeon during weekend warrior hours – we’ll get you hooked up faster than GNC restocks Citrulline.
Wondering if broccoli is really a superfood or if Quest bars give you bad gas? Ask us anything – from supplements to cheat meals, we gotchu covered. Just don’t @ us if Taco Tuesday ruins your cut.
Need a little 1-on-1 motivation? Our trainers’ calendars fill up faster than the squat rack at 5pm but we’ll squeeze you in, broseph. Give the home base a ring and the front desk broettes will find ya a time.
App not loading? Forgot your login deets? No sweat – the swole elves in our IT department will have you back in fighting form in no bro. Hit reply to this email and they’re on it.
Fear not young grasshopper, even the most focused among us have felt Brodin’s temptation. Our Lord knows dedication comes in waves, so take a chill pill (not literally) and refocus. Delete social media from your phone during sessions, leave it in your locker wrapped in a Pendlay Row. Turn off notifications and put on some pump-up jams to drown out gym thots. And if all elsefails, ask a swolemate to spot your concentration as hard as your back squat. You got this!
Ah the classic “noob” situation – we’ve all been there, braj. First, know that gainz come to those who persist, not pontificate, so keep your head down and lift that shit. But also, assert yourself! Next time Chet and Chad give you gruff, hit em with your best dad joke to throw them off balance. Then immediately walk away before they recover, heads held high. Your progress will do the talking, not your mouth. And remember – we’re all just spotted meat trying to get through this thing called lifting. You feel me brochacho? Now go get after it!
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